Instant Karma's gonna get you

While I'm not a firm believer in horoscopes, sometimes they are right. For the record, I'm a Capricorn.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 19)
You're inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you're stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

PISCES (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your friends, and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a dip shit.

ARIES (March 21 - April 19)
You are the pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick-tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are a prick.

TAURUS (April 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination to work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned Communist.

GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you're bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini's are notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everybody in prison is a Cancer.

LEO (July 23 - August 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leo's are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving mother fuckers who spend the majority of their time kissing mirrors.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. The shit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold, unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgo's make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are probably a queer. Chances for employment or monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)
The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall receive the pinnacle of success because of your total lack off ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio's are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarian's are drunks. Nixon is a Sagittarian. You are not worth the time of day.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chicken-shit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should shut the fuck up.