Thursday, November 30, 2006

In other words...

I was just typing an email to a friend in which I referred to "Blogspot." The spell check insisted on changing it to "Bloodspot."

Well, yeah!

At least in Greensboro.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

If you don't like today's weather...

...just wait. This is, after all, North Carolina

Monday, November 20, 2006

Dear Percy Walker,

I am writing this in hopes that you can advise me. I think if I can pick the brain of someone as wealthy and successful as you I might be able to improve my lot in life.

I am horrible at investing. I’ve never had much money to invest and the few opportunities I have had didn't go well.

In the late 70’s my husband and I came into a little bit of money. We looked at all sorts of ways to invest it. My cousins wanted us to go in on a barbeque restaurant with them. We passed. THAT was a smart move. Then we got one of those, “Come stay with us for the weekend,” brochures. We went. We decided not to buy a condo. It was in a dumpy little town we thought would never amount to much.

Then we got a prospectus that looked really interesting. It was an up-and-coming venture, but we decided it was too risky. I don’t remember the name at the time but eventually it became this. Our children now hate us.

We put the money in a nice, safe CD.

Then we moved south. My husband said, “We need to go to South Carolina. One of my customers wants me to go in on a piece of land with him.” We went. “They could see you coming from a mile away. Sucker,” I said after viewing the property, which was swamp land. It is now a valuable little piece of dirt.

You can tell I’m not particularly savvy when it comes to financial matters. That’s why I’m counting on you for advice. I’m hoping that with your guidance, I too can become filthy and obscenely rich rather than just filthy and obscene. I promise to do good things with my money, giving much of it to charity.

Okay, so after all that history, my question is this: Should I go out and buy a Playstation III and stand in the parking lot at Toys ‘R Us on Christmas Eve to try to sell it at a profit?


Lousy investor

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

There is no justice.

According to People Magazine this is the Sexiest Man Alive.

My PERSONAL choice would have been this. He's rich. He's smart. He's funny. He's incredibly good-looking.

Yep. I think we have the Sexiest Man Alive right here in our own community.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

"Because, judge. The in-flight movie sucked!"

And besides, it's a long way from LA to Raleigh. You've got to do something to entertain yourself.

UPDATE: Honestly, your Honor. It wasn't oral sex. I thought I was going to puke.

"...Persing suffers from a chronic disease that requires medication that makes him drowsy, dizzy and irritable." Yeah! THAT'S it. My meds make me drowsy, dizzy and irritable.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Mood improvement.

Watch THIS and try not to laugh. I dare you!

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Say it ain't so!

It CAN'T be true. I have lost all hope for humanity!

Why I love my job!

I have a drawer in my desk that is full of "stuff." I have lots of stuff that is for anyone to use. There is Tylenol. There is Motrin. I've got Ricola Throat Drops and Halls Mentho-Lyptus. You can find Band-Aids, and safety pins, and tampons. If you need hand sanitizer, it's in there. There is hand lotion, bobby pins, and dental floss. I thought of everything. Nearly.

There's always something someone needs that I don't have.

Person A, who shall remain unnamed: Do you have any Aloe?
Me: Aloe? No. Why?
A: I burned my forehead.
Me: How did you do that?
A: I was drinking tea.
Me: You were drinking tea?
A: Yes. And I burned my forehead. (A lifts up bangs to show a red spot about the size of a quarter on forehead, up high near the hairline.)
Me: Show me how you were drinking the tea.
(A pantomimes raising a mug to his/her lips. I'm trying not to indicate gender here. Oh, what the hell, you gotta know this was a male.)
A: I was just drinking some tea and it jumped out and burned me.
Me: It jumped?
A: Splashed out sort of. You don't have any Aloe?
Me: No.
A: What should I do?
Me: Hurt the rest of the afternoon. I think perhaps you deserve to.

Just when I think I've heard it all, someone surprises me.