Complications

Not that it's anybody's business, but I have been potty-trained for a long time. More than 50 years. That would be 350 in dog’s years. I’ve been at it for a while. It’s fairly simple once you get the hang of it. You go in. You do what you have to do. You’re done.

You’d think.

My employer has decided to make a fairly straightforward and simple process more complicated. In the interest of “saving the planet,” they’ve installed these new-fangled toilets in the restrooms at my workplace that are designed to save water. Now understand, I’m all for saving the planet, but at what cost? Yes, we need to be sensitive about others. I know we are blessed with a bounty of clean, drinkable water in this county. I realize that we are in a drought situation here and need to find more inventive ways to use our natural resources. Of course we should not be wasteful. But this “better for the environment” crap is getting ridiculous. We're complicating things.

I’ve been at this for over a half-century. NOW, at my advanced years, I’m expected to adapt to a new way of doing things. Old dog – new trick? It's not that easy.

First there is the sign explaining the new fixtures. I generally don’t take my glasses into the facilities because after all these years, I can usually accomplish the tasks at hand without actually having to see anything. So, now I have to go back and get my glasses so I can read the sign. The sign explains new “protocol.” Now there’s something new in life to remember. As if I don’t have enough to remember, like use your turn signals and don't smoke while pumping gas. At my age it’s getting more difficult to remember things. Damn. One more thing!

Next, I have to keep track of what it is that I’ve “done.” I pay very little attention to the specifics of my trips to the restroom. I mean, it’s like breathing. You just DO IT. You don’t make a big deal of it. So now, if I’m going to appropriately participate in this endeavor, I have to be cognizant of the process so that I’m sure to push the handle the proper way. The handle goes "Up" for one thing. "Down" for another. What if I screw it up? What if I push "down" for the wrong thing?

Do you self-report? Do I call my boss? What are the penalties for non-compliance?

Life gets more complicated by the day. Technology, designed to make our lives easier, has infringed upon the last place of solace. The bathroom.

What's next?

I would ponder that, but I have to go, uh, you know...

check my email.